I am writing this blog post two days after my very dear friend Shirley T. Burke and I held our first day long workshop, Back on Track: Get More Of What You Really Want From Life. It was for women only. Isn’t that wonderful! I thought so, but I’ve had several people ask me, “Why women only?”

Shirley T. and I chose to make our workshop for women only because women act very differently when in groups of women than they do in mixed company. I first noticed this difference when a good female friend and I agreed to get together for dinner and include our husbands. My friend and I had a history of taking walks together through our neighborhood. While we walked we talked. You may be thinking, “Of course! They’re women. That’s what women do. Talk, talk, talk!” Our conversations were always from the heart, and they really seemed to feed a part of us that needed deep interpersonal connection. We were both very open with each other about our life challenges and our feelings about those challenges. Because we felt so safe with each other, there was great depth to our sharing.

When we added husbands to the equation I noticed that my friend and I were more reserved, cautious about what we shared. The topics of discussion were more factual and superficial. There seemed to be an unspoken rule that we shouldn’t bring up any topic that might make the guys uncomfortable. Of course we were not conscious of the rule we were following or that we had shifted our behavior to accommodate the makeup of the group. It was interesting to observe that my friend and I seemed to be following the same rule without any prior conversation about it! My hunch is that we had been socially conditioned to act differently in the presence of men.

Observations of the behavior of women over time have proven to me that unless a woman has been wounded by a significant woman in their life, she is more likely to feel safe and open up in groups of women than in mixed groups. The intention of our seminar was to offer women an opportunity to reconnect with important parts of themselves, dreams and interests that they may have lost touch with in the busyness of having a career, a marriage or raising children. We believed that it was important that they be able to do that in an environment with others with whom they could identify and find support.

Women are more likely to understand and support the challenges and aspirations of other women. Women are more likely to “get” women. So, Back on Track was for women only. The result? It was an incredible experience of women enjoying the opportunity to be with other women who are committed to making positive changes in their lives. There was a level of openness in the group that was truly impressive. So, we made a good decision when we made our seminar a women only event!

This week I had the pleasure of working with Nancy (names changed to protect confidentiality), a very special, very motivated client who not only paid for me to help her at my out of town rate, but also brought in a friend, Betty, who does some organizing on the side. I was once again reminded of the power of women working together with a common goal.

In this case the organizer, Betty, and I were completely committed to helping Nancy clear her space of clutter and organize what remained. Nancy has been going through some very difficult life challenges in the past three years–a divorce and caregiving aging parents. I suspect our empathy for her current exhausting life circumstances as well as our desire to help set her up to be able to reclaim her own life once her parents have passed on, fueled our efforts. Betty and I had just met that day, but we worked together like partners united with a common cause. It was an incredible feeling to be in the middle of that tornado of positive energy.

By the end of the day we had covered a lot of ground very quickly. We reorganized her dining room/home office which included setting up a filing system, moving a shelf that was blocking a hallway, and reorganizing parts of the garage. I was astounded and impressed with what we accomplished and how well we worked together! And, best of all, during the five hours we labored Nancy transformed from being tense, anxious and uptight to being playful with a relaxed, relieved smile on her face. Women helping women! It is powerful and magical!

The roles of wife and mother are all-consuming, often leaving women with no idea about what really matters to them. In a sense they lose their identity when they have children. Many women I’ve worked with can tell you what they want for their children and their family much more easily than they can tell you what they want for themselves. It’s as if they don’t have the time or energy to figure it out because they are consumed with the responsibilities of being the CEO of the home. When their children grow up and leave home moms come face to face with themselves. And, they often don’t like the person staring back at them in the mirror. Years of self-neglect can leave women over-weight, exhausted, sick and sometimes depressed.

My solution–give a busy wife/mom a room of her own. If the house is so small that having a whole room is not possible, give her a section of a room that is off limits to the rest of the family.

Why give a woman a room of her own?

• she needs a place where she has complete control, a place that no one else can mess up
• she needs a place to pull together and organize the objects associated with her many projects and responsibilities
• she needs a place where she can express her creativity
• she needs a place to retreat to refuel that is calm, beautiful and organized
• she needs a place to ground herself and get clear about what matters to her

I once had a client who had all her projects piled up on the floor next to her side of the bed. That was a real recipe for sleep problems! There was no way she could sleep peacefully with piles of work-related items in such close proximity .

When I suggested that we find another home for those things she informed me that there were no rooms available for her to claim as her own. Not to be deterred, I asked her to show me around the house to see if we could identify some space that would work as her personal cockpit. We finally settled on a corner of the family room. She claimed as her own the desk and filing cabinet that were already located there and informed family members that the area was off limits to them. Several weeks later she wrote me to thank me for giving her life back to her.

Are you a woman who is unable to get clear about what really matters to you? Are you distracted by a million and one things to do, places to be and people to care for? Do you want the opportunity to have more clarity, more peace, and be more organized? Find a part of your home that you can claim as your own. Make it your own. Make it lovely. Fill it with your projects, books and precious personal items. Then set boundaries by informing family members that the space is yours alone and guard it with your life!

Others that are accustomed to spreading out all over the house may need to be reminded to stay out of your space and keep their things out of it. Do it! It’s time for you to have your own peaceful place to get reacquainted with you. It may feel selfish, but do it anyway! You deserve it! Claiming a space for you is really an act of self-love and self-respect that will make you an even better wife and mother. Go for it!

When I’ve helped women clients clear out their closets, I’ve had the impression that what we really were doing was helping them take a close look at who they really were at that moment in time. Tackling their closet ALWAYS seemed to empower them.

It was as if when a woman’s clothes closet was a mess, she was totally out of touch with herself, her gifts, her wants and needs and her value. Once the closet was done, the woman would stand taller and give a great sigh of relief. Of course! She just got herself back! What a wonderful feeling!

© 2012 Clutter Clearing Community | Debbie Bowie

“Author, Organizing Expert and Feng Shui Practitioner, Debbie Bowie, is a leading authority on clutter clearing to attract more of what you want in life. If you’re ready to clear clutter and move your life forward, get your FREE TIP SHEET, “Feng Shui Tips for Instant Success” at http://www.clutterclearingcommunity.com.