When parents downsize or have died, their stuff must go somewhere. Unfortunately it often becomes the bud of a clutter crisis for people in the throes of exhaustion and grief associated with the death or decline of parents. Furniture, books, boxes, dishes and memorabilia that were hastily packed up at the parents’ home land in their home where ever it will fit. It’s quite common that the stuff stays where it lands for quite some time. Once it’s been there for awhile, its stagnant energy attracts other items and before long the original pain-filled pile becomes an immovable object, a major block to integrating the stuff that really matters into their home and a block to moving through their grief.

Is there another way? Can this painful “stuff crisis” be avoided? It can, but only if the stuff recipients are very conscious of their pain and deliberately choose to take action in spite their pain. I suggest the following:

1. When packing up parents’ belongings to take to your house, take only objects that you truly love. Your emotions likely will be running wild. That will make decision-making more difficult. EVERYTHING may seem important because items that belong to the parent hold the energy of that parent. Don’t confuse loving the parent with loving the item. You only need a precious item or two to hold the energy of your parent. You don’t need every item.
2. Before you commit to taking furniture, have some idea where each item could be placed in your home.
3. Resist the urge to pack everything up to go through later just because that is a quick solution, easier to do than make decisions about everything. Make yourself take the time at your parents’ home to do at least a cursory review of drawers, packed boxes and papers, looking for items that can be trashed, donated or given away. That will reduce the quantity of things you will have to go through and deal with at home.
4. Say no to items with a negative association, that you hate or that you know will not fit in your home.
5. When you get home, place the furniture you have chosen as quickly as possible.
6. Place boxes to go through in one location, preferably one that you encounter on a regular basis so they will bug you to go though them.
7. Go through the boxes of paper, memorabilia and personal items as quickly as possible, doing boxes of larger items first and paper last. If you put off that process because it’s painful, those boxes will grow roots, making moving them seem like an insurmountable task.
8. If you cannot make yourself sort the items into those things you want to keep and incorporate into your life and those you can part with, get the help of a supportive friend, family member or a professional organizer.

The risk of allowing parents’ belongings to become anchored to their landing spot in your home is that not only will the items be locked in place, creating a painful, physical block in your life, but your ability to move through the normal stages of grief will be impeded. You will be stuck and your grief will also be stuck.

Honor your parents and yourself by making yourself move though the process of sorting and integrating their items into your life despite your grief. Resist the urge to completely avoid dealing with the new additions to your space. Welcome the things that matter and make them a part of your home. Release those that don’t. Expect your grief to surface as you move through that process. Allow it. It’s normal and even essential that you feel and express your grief. You will hurt, but you will survive. Do it in small doses to manage the pain, but keep moving. When you do, your life will keep moving despite your loss.

Papers and objects can hold associations with times of loss in our lives. A divorce decree, a gift from a lost love, equipment associated with a former career. They all hold energies of loss and sadness. Those negative energies are VERY powerful even if you’re not conscious of them. They can keep people from venturing into a closet or clearing out a desk for years. You’re not sure why you can’t face the task, but the urge to avoid it is very compelling.

If you’re avoiding a particular organizing challenge, check the content of the stuff to see if the items hold old associations of loss that are connected to grief you have been carrying. If you can’t allow the grief to come up and out, find a gentle loving soul to be with you while you face the loss, someone who can be in the presence of sadness without discomfort or the need to fix your pain. Tell him or her the stories associated with the grief. That will lighten the emotional load your are carrying and will allow you to move forward.

“He’s very nervous about you coming,” Gail said as we were working in her house clearing clutter. She was talking about her boyfriend who had reluctantly agreed to accept a consultation with me as a gift. I wasn’t surprised by her comment. It’s very common for people to want help to reclaim peace and comfort in their physical spaces, but to be terrified about being seen.

Your house is an extension of yourself. It tells the truth about what’s going on in your life. If for awhile your life is a bit out of control because of stressors like illness, deaths of friends and family members, divorce, depression, having children or moving, the space often reflects the stress.

In this case I had been warned that the house had gotten pretty backed up with stuff. When I entered the home office, it really looked like a storeroom, boxes piled at least 5’ high in the center of the room, I asked my new client, “What’s in these boxes?” I was surprised that he knew exactly what was in those boxes. “They are things that belonged to my mother and sister.” With a little probing I learned that those women had died seven and four years ago. The boxes had taken up residence in that room following their deaths.

You may be amazed that nothing had been done with those boxes for so many years. Why wouldn’t he have felt compelled to dismantle the box pile that was blocking access to his desk, bookshelf and keyboard? And, this man is a musician for whom music is a passion! What would stop him dead in his tracks? Grief.

As we worked and talked I learned that this man’s relationship with both his mother and sister had been problematic, painful, even scary at times. His family was affected by the insanity of alcoholism, a disease that infects every family member. So, what’s that got to do with the items in those boxes? Items owned by a person hold that person’s energy. A deceased person may be physically gone, but their belongings hold their energy. It is quite common to be assaulted by old memories when you encounter things associated with a particular person. Intuitively my client knew that if he opened those boxes he was going back in time. He was probably not conscious that his avoidance of opening those boxes was fueled by a reluctance to face old memories, old sadness and loss. But, the pain of those memories held in place by the objects kept him stuck for years.

What objects in your space hold sadness in place, blocking you from moving forward with your life? Check out those areas that you have been neglecting. Is there an emotional block keeping you stuck? Getting conscious of a painful association is the first step. Bring it to consciousness so you can let it go and move on.