In my twelve years of professional organizing I’ve run into many women who are still trying to keep house just like “Mom” did. So, what’s wrong with that? After all, Mom was the role model. There would be nothing wrong with that if Mom’s life was comparable to the lives of women today.

When I look at my mother’s reality compared to mine, there are major differences:

1. For most of the years that we three children were at home, she did not work outside the home. Therefore, she had much more time to manage all the tasks of running a home.
2. The pace of life was much slower than it is today, therefore it was easier to keep up with all the chores of running a home. Easier, not easy. It’s never easy to keep up with the demands of raising children and running a home.
3. There was no instant access to people with voicemail and email, so there were fewer social contacts to make on a daily basis. Mom wasn’t accessible to others at all times, as is the norm today.
4. There were no computers to distract them from getting things done. Not only that, but there was no need to learn to use new technology like computers, cell phones, email, Ipods, Ipads, etc., activities that take time, focus and energy.
5. There were fewer activities for children to participate in, therefore children played closer to home and did not require as much transportation.
6. Academic expectations and involvement in extracurricular activities were such that children still had time to contribute to maintaining the home by regularly doing household chores.

So, given those differences, does it make sense to aim for the same level of organization and home maintenance by the same means? In other words, should women still be trying to do it all by themselves in addition to working outside the home, having more to do because of voicemail, email, computers, etc., more running around to children’s activities and events, and less help? No! That’s a setup for feelings of chronic inadequacy, chronic fatigue, and hating life!

What do I recommend? By all means, don’t compare yourself to your mother! You have two choices: get more help or lower your expectations. Remember that times are different and it’s imperative that you do things differently to achieve the results you want. One of the biggest mistakes moms make these days is to carry too much of the load of home maintenance. Husbands and children get off easy because moms pick up so much of the slack.

Stop it! Ask for help! Hire help! Doing so is imperative today, not optional, given current realities. You have a right to rest, play and leisure time too! Do it! Your health and the quality of your life and that of your family depend on it!

Asking for help is hard to do. So, when you do it, be sure you are asking help of a person who is actually capable of giving you what you need.

In 1994 my husband and I were in a motorcycle accident that left him in the hospital with a traumatic brain injury and me at home living with the emotional aftereffects of the accident. I needed lots of help.

Early on I made the mistake of trying to share my distraught feelings with two men who were very willing to help me move a canoe. Both of them stiffened slightly and looked like they’d like to beam themselves to anywhere but where they were. Seeing their reaction I moved on to safer topics, acknowledging that I had inadvertently gone to the hardware store for milk. There was no way I’d get what I needed there! Men are often uncomfortable with emotional conversations. They were clearly out of their element.

After that important lesson, I separated the friends who were offering help into categories. Some were very willing to give us food, but would not have been comfortable being a shoulder to cry on. Others could run errands and mow the lawn, but would not have been comfortable providing meals. And, a precious few were capable of listening to me when I needed to talk about how scared I was feeling about Bob’s condition and how our lives could change as a result of the accident.

When I ask for help and don’t get what I need, one of the first questions I ask myself is, “Did I go to the hardware store for milk?” Over time I’ve become more and more experienced at determining who can meet my needs at any given time.

Have you been to the hardware store for milk and been baffled when all you could find is nails? Some people are just not capable of giving us what we need even though they care about us. Avoid hurt feelings and disappointment by learning who really is capable of helping you and in what way they can help.

On this 4th of July, I can’t help but think about clients who live in this country where we are blessed with so many freedoms, but who are trapped, unable to move in a nightmare of their own creation. Their clutter and disorder keeps them paralyzed, unable to make decisions or take action to improve their situation. How can they free themselves and reclaim their birthright?

In many cases the first step is to admit that what they have created is unacceptable to them. Then they need to commit to doing things that make them feel uncomfortable: asking for help; accepting help; letting go of belongings they no longer love or use despite the fear they may feel; learning new ways to think about their things, themselves and their space; and learning new behaviors so they can maintain a space where they have the freedom to move and grow.

Freedom is a privilege. Even though you live in a country where personal freedom is valued, sometimes it is you who must free yourself. Let go. Get help if you need it. Free yourself from environments that keep you stuck and feeling bad about yourself. That is your birthright! Go for it!

“I want you to write a book in 90 days.”

Those were the words of my coach, Mark LeBlanc of Small Business Success in May 2009. I took a deep breath and said, “OK, how do I do that?” I wanted to write a book. In fact, it had been a goal of mine for years. I even had some pieces of it written. I just had no clue about how take that enormous task and break it down so I could keep from running away from it. And, as a small business owner and the CEO of my home, how was I going to make time to write?

For more than 13 years I have helped clients figure out how to get overwhelming tasks done. I was supposed to know how to do that. But, I too am human and subject to shutting down, especially when it involves my work. Fortunately I wanted to write the book badly enough that when Mark made his suggestion, I was actually intrigued that he thought it was possible for me to write a book in such a short time. I put aside my pride and insecurities and asked him to help me figure out how to make it happen.

“Write 50 minutes a day, five days a week, “ he said.

I could do that! Claiming the first 50 minutes of each day was entirely possible. That formula worked! I set a goal to write at least a paragraph every week day and was off and running. Once I got over the logistical barrier of how to make time and got started, my writing took off. By the end of August the cover was done and the manuscript was being edited. Rock Scissors Paper: Understanding How Environment Affects Your Behavior on a Daily Basis was available for sale in December.

It was miraculous how I got just the help I needed when I needed it. With Mark’s support and belief in me and my commitment to the project, all I had to do was start and be disciplined about working at it every week day with the end in mind–creating a book that puts words to the information and processes I use to help clients move forward with their lives, making it possible for many more people to empower themselves by deliberately making positive changes to their home and office environments.

Is there something you really want to do, but keep running from? What is blocking you? If you too are feeling overwhelmed and stymied by the enormity of the challenge, find a way to move beyond your mental obstacles. You may be surprised at how much help you get once you really commit yourself to your goal and are open to getting help to make it happen!

Have you ever noticed how much more work gets done when two people committed to the process join forces? It’s often astounding! Easily three to four times as much work gets accomplished when two people work together clearing clutter. The energy of the interaction between the two people can create a momentum that is just not possible when you work solo.

If it’s possible to make great strides when two or more are gathered together to clear clutter, why do so many people resist asking for help with that on-going challenge?
Following are some common reasons and my thoughts about each of them.

Fear of judgment–New clients often tell me that they are embarrassed for me to see their space. They are afraid I will judge them harshly. Why? Because they already judge themselves harshly. They may have already experienced judgement from well-meaning family and friends. Judgment hurts. My question to them is, “Will you get what you really want if you keep avoiding judgment?” Avoidance keeps people stuck.

If you make a good choice about the person you ask for help, preferably NOT close family members and judgmental friends, you could experience something other than judgment–the opportunity receive help that could change your life for the better.

Fear of being beholden to anyone–Some people have such a hard time managing their own life that they can’t imagine having any time or energy to help anyone else. If they accept help from someone, they may feel they should return the favor if asked to do so. Perhaps they hate clutter clearing. Perhaps they feel unqualified to be much help. Perhaps they are afraid they won’t be able to make the time or find the energy to help.

Believe it or not, some people feel it’s an honor to be asked for help. And, some people actually give of their time and energy because it brings them pleasure. When you ask for help it really is a compliment to the person you’re asking because it’s an indication that you think they can help you. If the person cares about you they also get the chance to spend time with you. That may be all they ever want from you.

Belief that “I should be able to do this by myself”–In the United States the American Way is to need no one but yourself. What a bunch of junk! How lonely and how inefficient! There are so many things that are much more easily done with help from another. And, for some people, clutter clearing is one of those things! Some people are just not wired to attack a project that requires expert decision-making and organizing skills. Give them a helper and their level of performance increases exponentially!

If you’ve committed to regaining control of your home or office by clearing clutter and it’s just not getting done, asking for help is the only step that makes sense. Asking for help and interdependence should be the American way!

Fear of loss of control–”I’m such a wimp, I’m afraid I’ll just go along and then regret all that we do later after all my important stuff is gone.” Some people worry that they won’t be able to assert themselves adequately if they are getting help from someone else.

Getting help could be an excellent opportunity to not only clear clutter and get more clarity about what really matters to you, it could be a chance to practice asserting yourself with someone safe, someone who is willing to honor your wishes.

Fear of being controlled–”If I let her in to help me, she might make me get rid of my stuff!” For some people, asking for help is synonymous with being controlled. And, you don’t want anyone else to tell you what to do with your belongings.You have the illusion of being in control when you and only you are responsible for the clutter in your home or office. Of course, you can’t find what you need when you need it or accomplish your goals in a timely manner, but it’s your responsibility, so you are in control! Nonsense!

There are people who will try to control you and what you do with your stuff. Those are the people you don’t want to ask for help! You get to choose! Choose either a professional organizer trained to guide clients to an improved living situation without coercion or a special friend who is helpful, willing to honor your wishes and not judgmental and controlling.

Fear of loss of relationship–Have you ever wondered why you haven’t been invited into the home of a relative or friend? Many fear that if others see the truth about how they live, they’ll be judged harshly and written off. Hiding the truth of their struggle is a better option than rejection.

Being seen is risky. It could lead to rejection by people who don’t understand your reality. But, living a lie costs you as well. It keeps you isolated and alone with your struggle. Getting help from someone safe, someone capable of treating you with respect no matter how awful the mess, could release you from your self-imposed prison. Imagine life free of the shame and embarrassment you currently feel. Isn’t it worth the risk?

If you identify with any of the reasons listed above, and you are sick of being stuck in your own mess, reach out and get some good help. If finding good help is a challenge, go to www.NAPO.net and search for a professional organizer in your area. Interview several people until you find a person whose knowledge and personality are a good match for your needs. Get help and get on with your life! You’ll be amazed at how fast you progress when you get the right kind of help.

When I walk into a chaotic environment I listen for clues from my client about what may have caused the chaos. Some people have always struggled to get and stay organized. They are affectionately referred to as “chronically disorganized” by professional organizers nationwide. Despite all their efforts they cannot stay organized. Those clients usually tell me that they have struggled with disorganization for as long as they can remember.

There are some people, however, who at one time in their lives were organized and able to maintain organized spaces at home and at work. When I learn that a client was once organized and has since gone down hill, I seek to identify what threw him or her off course. Following is a list of the disrupting events that can turn a person’s life upside down, making it very hard to maintain order in their lives:

physical illness
mental illness–particularly depression
illness in a family member
surgery
death of a loved one
caregiving for an ailing parent
divorce
home renovation
frequent travel
Christmas
getting married
birth of a child

Any of the above events or issues takes either an emotional or physical toll above and beyond what is experienced in normal every day life. Since you have energy limits, any one of those disrupting events can eat energy that would ordinarily have been allocated to tending to your home, your papers, your things, and the variety of chores that you do to stay organized.

It’s normal for people to do what is easiest in times of high stress just to survive. And, paper and disorder can back up at those times because tending to them isn’t as important as getting through the difficult time. But, you may want to remember that your space also affects your energy. Disorganized, chaotic spaces are loaded with negative energy. Exposing yourself to that energy will only deplete your energy all the more.

Unfortunately, once the difficult time has passed, you may have a nightmare on your hands, clutter and chaos that are overwhelming and not easily addressed. And, you’ll be depleted from your ordeal and further depleted by the negative energy in your space.

If you find yourself experiencing any of the disruption I’ve described above, it is helpful to remain conscious of your space even if you don’t have time to keep up as you normally would. Avoid the inclination to just let go and let chaos reign. Make yourself take as little as 5 minutes a day to clear clutter and maintain order. Doing a little clearing and organizing on a regular basis could save you from a nightmare of your own creation. If you cannot maintain a basic order, ask for help from family and friends, people who likely want to help you through a difficult time.

This week I noticed that the fonts on my blog were messed up. Initially I tried to figure out how to change them. Yes, my knee jerk response was to do it by myself. After a frustrating few minutes of searching for how to make the changes I wanted, it dawned on me that I did have a great resource who could help me. I shot an email to Bryan Dunn of WebbDunnRight at webdunnright@gmail.com, asking him to check it out. Not only did he fix the problem, he found the origin of the problem and added a few spam filters to keep me from getting an inbox full of comment spam. Asking for help really does pay off! I got what I needed and more!

I’m working hard at developing the habit of hunting for help as soon as I am clear that I cannot do or do not want to do something by myself Rather than taking hours, days, weeks and even months trying to do tasks myself that I can’t do or making myself do things I hate doing which always results in procrastination, I’m calling for help and getting things done by competent others. It’s amazing how wonderful it feels and how much gets done. No longer do I have procrastination piles impeding my path to success! Try it! You’ll like it! And, by the way, it’s not breaking the bank! If anything, the bank is filling up faster!

© 2012 Clutter Clearing Community | Debbie Bowie

“Author, Organizing Expert and Feng Shui Practitioner Debbie Bowie, is a leading authority on clutter clearing to attract more of what you want in your life. If you’re ready to finally clear the clutter from your life and move your life forward, get your FREE TIP SHEET, “Feng Shui Tips for Instant Success” at http://www.clutterclearingcommunity.com.

As many of you already know, I am recovering from bilateral bunion surgery–both feet, both sides of both feet. When I scheduled the surgery I knew I was signing up for a procedure that at best would be painful, and at worst could be excruciating and debilitating for an undetermined amount of time. I’d had estimates of being off my feet ranging from 2-8 weeks. Since I’m self-employed, being off my feet for even one week costs big bucks! So, physically and financially the whole experience looked pretty overwhelming!

Fortunately, in the last twenty years I’ve learned how essential it is to ask for help and allow it to be given. As a first child, first grandchild and a child of divorce and other types of family dysfunction, it was no easy feat to ask for help. I felt safer and more in control doing everything for myself. My work as a professional organizer, however, has given me ample opportunity to watch the magic that happens in people’s lives when they invite help into their homes. When I decided to have bunion surgery I knew the only way I could do it was with the help of others.

I didn’t know exactly what kind of help I’d need, other than my husband’s help to get me to and from surgery. So, I started there. I told him the surgery day and he made arrangements to take three days off work to be available to help me. I didn’t ask for that much time. He willingly made those arrangements, and guess what! That’s exactly the length of time I needed him!

I made a point of telling all my family, friends, clients, neighbors and networking buddies about the upcoming surgery. I wasn’t sure what I’d need from them, but letting them know about the challenge I’d be facing felt like the right thing to do. Following my surgery many of those people spontaneously reached out to me with food, flowers, phone calls, emails, offers to drive me to doctor’s appointments, cards, visits and gifts. And, each and every offering was EXACTLY what I needed. Two clients even gave me projects I could work on for them at home so I could generate some income while off my feet.

I guess part of the lesson of this experience was that I didn’t need to figure it all out ahead of time. I just needed to let people know that I was having surgery and trust that I’d get what I’d need as I needed it. That’s really how it happened!

And, when I had a specific need, like the need for a Healing Touch session or a meal, I had to be willing to ask for that. I also had to be willing to receive it without guilt or feeling like I was being a burden.

Finally, for years I’ve worked with the belief that what you put out there comes back to you. I’ve worked hard to put out love, caring, respect and kindness to clients, friends, neighbors and family members. First, it is a value of mine to treat people that way and it has felt good to do that. But, I also knew that by doing that I was sewing the seeds of receiving the same back from them. Recovering from bunion surgery gave me the opportunity to receive so much good from people who were happy to give. What a blessing!

© 2012 Clutter Clearing Community | Debbie Bowie

“Author, Organizing Expert and Feng Shui Practitioner Debbie Bowie, is a leading authority on clutter clearing to attract more of what you want in your life. If you’re ready to finally clear the clutter from your life and move your life forward, get your FREE TIP SHEET, “Feng Shui Tips for Instant Success” at http://www.clutterclearingcommunity.com.