I am writing this blog post two days after my very dear friend Shirley T. Burke and I held our first day long workshop, Back on Track: Get More Of What You Really Want From Life. It was for women only. Isn’t that wonderful! I thought so, but I’ve had several people ask me, “Why women only?”

Shirley T. and I chose to make our workshop for women only because women act very differently when in groups of women than they do in mixed company. I first noticed this difference when a good female friend and I agreed to get together for dinner and include our husbands. My friend and I had a history of taking walks together through our neighborhood. While we walked we talked. You may be thinking, “Of course! They’re women. That’s what women do. Talk, talk, talk!” Our conversations were always from the heart, and they really seemed to feed a part of us that needed deep interpersonal connection. We were both very open with each other about our life challenges and our feelings about those challenges. Because we felt so safe with each other, there was great depth to our sharing.

When we added husbands to the equation I noticed that my friend and I were more reserved, cautious about what we shared. The topics of discussion were more factual and superficial. There seemed to be an unspoken rule that we shouldn’t bring up any topic that might make the guys uncomfortable. Of course we were not conscious of the rule we were following or that we had shifted our behavior to accommodate the makeup of the group. It was interesting to observe that my friend and I seemed to be following the same rule without any prior conversation about it! My hunch is that we had been socially conditioned to act differently in the presence of men.

Observations of the behavior of women over time have proven to me that unless a woman has been wounded by a significant woman in their life, she is more likely to feel safe and open up in groups of women than in mixed groups. The intention of our seminar was to offer women an opportunity to reconnect with important parts of themselves, dreams and interests that they may have lost touch with in the busyness of having a career, a marriage or raising children. We believed that it was important that they be able to do that in an environment with others with whom they could identify and find support.

Women are more likely to understand and support the challenges and aspirations of other women. Women are more likely to “get” women. So, Back on Track was for women only. The result? It was an incredible experience of women enjoying the opportunity to be with other women who are committed to making positive changes in their lives. There was a level of openness in the group that was truly impressive. So, we made a good decision when we made our seminar a women only event!

If you have grown children, it’s very likely that when they left home they left an assortment of their belongings in your home. If they didn’t, your children are an exception to the norm. Sometimes parents are keeping things for their children until they have a permanent home of their own. Sometimes they are left with things that the children just didn’t take with them when they moved, things that may or may not be important to them.

It’s pretty common for parents to get to the point where they really want to be relieved of those items. As I wrote in the September 18 blog, it is also very common for children to drag their heels about removing their belongings following a request from their parents. I suspect that they are often caught up in their own busy lives and the items left behind just aren’t important enough to cause them to take action. Or, they may be avoiding the task because it requires decision-making, a process that can be difficult for some people.

I sometimes wonder if children consider their parents’ request as unimportant, certainly not a high priority. After all, they’ve kept those things all those years, what’s the rush? A failure to act may also be indicative of a reluctance to completely leave home. As long as their belongings are there, they can sustain the unconscious illusion that they are still under the umbrella of their parents’ care. Or, it may be that some of their things hold memories that are not pleasant. Going through them could stir up some old pain that they have kept at bay over the years. Most people aren’t conscious that they are perhaps reluctant to take a potentially emotional trip back into their past.

Whatever the reason, you have a right to be rid of your children’s belongings once they are grown and have homes of their own. In my next blog entry, I will offer suggestions to empower you to motivate your children to clear their clutter from your home.

© 2012 Clutter Clearing Community | Debbie Bowie

“Author, Organizing Expert and Feng Shui Practitioner, Debbie Bowie, is a leading authority on clutter clearing to attract more of what you want in life. If you’re ready to clear clutter and move your life forward, get your FREE TIP SHEET, “Feng Shui Tips for Instant Success” at http://www.clutterclearingcommunity.com.

I know, you think I’ve lost my mind. Why would your children want to do that? After all, they are often so wrapped up in their own lives, why would they want to help you? I’ve heard so many stories about children, both those still living at home and those who have moved out, who are described as a challenge for parents in their clutter clearing efforts. They either create more clutter than they every clear out, have left behind many personal items in a state of utter chaos, or have left personal items until they are settled into a home that can accommodate them and then drag their heels about claiming them upon their parent’s request.

This week I heard a story that blew my socks off. One of my clients who has struggled with clutter forever sent her children an email to inform them that she’d decided to take steps to address her clutter challenges by hiring me to help her. In the letter she shared her excitement about the process and asked for their help. She asked them to come by and make decisions about items that might be important to them.

Within days two of her sons came by and got to work. Following a family vacation her daughter returned home and worked with her mother to make decisions about family games, family toys and things that belonged to her. The daughter’s presence really helped my client focus on clearing out some of her own papers. And, one son called on the spur of the moment one day and said, “Mom, would it be OK for me to come by today to go through some of my things? I don’t want to hold you back.”

I’ve been doing this work for over eleven years, and I can honestly say I have NEVER heard a child, much less a male child, offer to clear out their belongings because they wanted to help their parent. Never! I was blown away! And, I was impressed at the love that those children expressed for their mother when she asked for their help with a task that can be difficult and unpleasant. They all showed up without coercion. In fact, they rallied around her. What a refreshing change!

So, if you want to express your love for your mother, lighten her load by clearing your clutter, especially when she asks for help. By the way, doing that is VERY different from forcing your mother to get help when she’s not ready for it. That’s the subject for another blog article!

It is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed and hopeless when you look at your organizing challenges, especially if you weren’t born with an organizing gene. One way to combat those negative feelings is to picture the results you want and picture yourself being completely successful in your organizing efforts. Act as if you have already been successful. Feel the positive feelings that success will cause. Visualizing your organizing success and those positive feelings will attract whatever you need to make it so.

When I am scheduled to do a speech or an interview, anything about which I feel a little shaky, I have made it a habit to picture myself doing the task being confident, competent and enjoying the process. And, without fail, I have gotten the results I was seeking. I recently used that approach when I did my first TV interview. Check it out!

Believe in your ability to be successful and you will be. Picture it. Feel it. And, move forward to find the peace that is possible when you live an organized life.

Did you know that being able to sort items into discreet categories is a skill? Sorting by category has always come as naturally to me as breathing. I assumed everyone could do it. It only makes sense that pens go with pens and writing pads with writing pads and CDs with CDs. What’s difficult about that?

Now, after 12 year of working as a professional organizer, I use “ability to clump like items together” as one of the criteria for assessing organizing ability in clients. Those who are chronically disorganized usually have no clue how to sort items by category and often cannot maintain an organizing system that requires them to put things away by category. Those who are quite right brained and creative may understand the value of sorting by category, but find it too boring to do. And, those who can sort items effectively but are just too busy to keep up with the influx of items into their space, actually enjoy working side by side with me to restore order. If they make themselves maintain their space despite the busyness of their lives, they can stay on an organized track.

Where are you on the “clump like items together” organizing scale? Do you naturally group like items together or does thinking in categories make your brain itch? If clumping is a foreign language to you, you will need help to get organized, learn to stay organized and make yourself maintain organizing systems. It’s not a character defect to be missing a clumping gene, but it is a skill deficit that when addressed will result in increased productivity and peace of mind.

Some of you are saying, “Duh!!! Of course dogs are good feng shui!” Others of you are shaking your head and saying, “No way! They’re just too much trouble.” Well, if you’ve been following me for any time at all, or if you’ve checked out my website, you know I fall into the first group of people. I LOVE DOGS!!! I’m listening to a book on tape right now that has a dog as a significant character in the story. It is not a great book, but I find myself sticking with it and grinning from ear to ear just because of the dog’s antics.

Dogs are good energy for the following reasons.

• They move. Anything that moves stirs up energies in a space.
• They make us laugh by doing funny things like bow and wiggle and contort their bodies into strange shapes to get to an itch.
• They love life and are carefree. What great models they are for us!
• They are unconditionally loving to their owners.
• They are easy to please. Most of them are enthusiastic about any kind of food.
• They let us know we matter–every day, even several times a day.

And, that list just came off the top of my head. There are many more reasons that dogs are good energy. If you train your dog to be obedient and keep him/her clean and healthy, you can consider your dog(s) good feng shui and an energy enhancement in your home!

There are so many options available for getting to a relaxed state these days. You can do yoga, massage, Feldenkrais, breathwork, stretching, hot tubs, Healing Touch, Reiki, exercise, and meditation to name a few. I have experienced most of those options and they are all wonderful. But, when you’ve finished experiencing one of those techniques, is your house in better shape? No!

When you clear clutter you can create a relaxed state in several ways:

• With each item you get rid of you are are releasing a source of negative energy. As you eliminate negative energy the overall balance of energy becomes more positive. As the energies become more positive, you begin to relax.
• Every item has an energy that talks to you. The more objects in your space, the more conversations you have going on at the same time. A room full of clutter just screams at you. Items with negative energy, like broken things and piles of unprocessed paper, scream the loudest. As you clear clutter you quiet the conversations. The quieter the space, the more relaxed you’ll be.
• When you eliminate things you no longer use or love, it’s much easier to organize what’s left. An organized space is a much more peaceful place than a cluttered space. When a space is peaceful, you can relax.
• Clutter clearing is a form of exercise. Exercise relaxes you!
• When you clear clutter you can think more clearly. When your brain is clear you can relax because you are less likely to make an error in judgment.

So, make clutter clearing a part of your self-care plan to ease stress and be more relaxed! You’ll feel better about the energy of your home as well as your own energy!

Years ago I learned to “accept the things I cannot change” when I was participating in meetings for adult children of alcoholics. I got the chance to “accept what is” today when I shut down my computer following several hours of recording my book, Rock Scissors Paper: Understanding How Environment Affects Your Performance on a Daily Basis, and lost the whole recording. That mistake cost me not only the room rental fee and the time spent making the recording, but I had recorded almost half the book. What amazed me was that I didn’t freak out or castigate myself for the error. I was cool, calm and collected. Why?

When something unfortunate happens, like losing my recording, I automatically begin looking for something positive about the incident. And, I hadn’t been completely happy with my tone of voice, especially in the beginning of the recording. I knew I’d have lots of edits to make. Also, I meant to record sections of the book separately and had forgotten to do that. Finally, I was worried that noises in the hall could be heard in the recording.

When the whole thing was wiped out I actually felt relieved because I had no other choice but to start over. Starting over would give me the chance to schedule the recording at a time when there would be less traffic in the building and would make it possible for me to record it section by section as I’d initially intended. I also would not have to make multiple edits that would have been warranted because of my inexperience. I began thinking of today’s session as a practice session for the real recording.

When I accept what is with the knowledge that all things work together for good and look for the positive in every circumstance, I am much less stressed. I also treat myself with more compassion and respect. What do you need to accept that has been causing you emotional distress and angst? Accept what is and get on with life!