When I was growing up I was taught that the way to do life was to work from goal to goal, ever advancing yourself to make more money. I worked that way for about 37 years before I discovered that I was on the wrong path. Money doesn’t float my boat. Yes, it’s a necessity for survival in our world, but it’s a commodity, a tool, not an end in itself. How sad that we’ve come to define life success in terms of our net worth rather than our true contribution to humanity–the quality of our character and our efforts toward a greater good.

We value achievement and financial success over integrity, making a difference and loving behavior. How sad and limiting.

I’ve not been a financial “success.” I have been successful in many other ways, but not for success sake. I’ve been on a journey, guided to evolve from a clueless soul in need of love to a strong wise woman who can love and be loved, who walks through this world guided by the intention to be a loving source of energy in all encounters.

I have goals and accomplish many of them. But my goals are just steps on a path that is my life, my journey. I don’t figure everything out before taking action. I’ve learned that it’s more important to just take the next right step. When I do, what I need to know is revealed to me. By doing things that way I rarely stay hung up in indecision for long.

Don’t get me wrong. Life has not been a piece of cake for me. I’ve not wandered easily from step to step. But, even in those difficult moments of uncertainly when clarity seems impossible, if I wait and remain aware of all that is going on around me and in me, the answers come. Living life this way has made my life more of an interesting adventure than an arduous journey.

Would I like to generate more money from my business? You bet! Does my success as a human being depend on it? No way! As long as I am learning and growing and moving forward with a curious, loving attitude in everything I do, I am a success.

Mom and Me

It seems a current theme in my life is grief and letting go. My mother’s cognitive functions are slowly deteriorating due to dementia. I’m losing my competent, energetic Mom bit by bit. I recently was right in the middle of helping her transition to assisted living, dealing with her grief about leaving her beloved home, the place where she had so many happy memories with John, the love of her life. And, then I had to clear out her house, take apart the remains of her life piece by piece. I encountered lots of sadness along the way, and grief underlies so many of my interactions with her these days.

Because I am trained as a counselor and have had plenty of counseling on my journey, I recognize grief when I’m in it, and know that allowing it and moving through it is the most beneficial route for me. But, most people don’t have the benefit of the kind of knowing I’ve acquired over the years of counseling training and my own therapy. In the clutter clearing process grief can be one of those barriers that can paralyze a person despite their best of intentions to complete a clutter clearing project. Uncomfortable feelings of sadness, loss, and even anger can totally derail the clutter clearing process.

I recently learned of a paper clutter clearing victory by a client who ran into papers associated with his deceased mother. Despite the sadness he encountered he persevered. When he ran into the grief he noticed it, acknowledged it and kept going. It probably helped that he had made a commitment to me, his coach, to clear those papers. He had a compelling need to show me what he could do. But, I think the real reason he was able to keep going was because he noticed the grief, allowed himself to feel it, but chose not to pull the entire scab of his sadness off his wound. Instead he acknowledged it and kept moving.

That’s how I got my mother’s house cleared out. I didn’t want that pain to go on and on. I shed tears, recovered, and moved on. I shed some more tears, recovered and moved on. By the way, I was able to allow my grief, manage it and move on not only because I understand the grieving process, but also because I had the loving support of my husband. Emotional support is an essential ingredient in the grieving process.

I suspect that some people are not aware that they can manage the grief they encounter. They don’t realize that they have choices about how they respond to it. They can run into uncomfortable feelings, stop and flee from them, leaving the wound intact and keeping themselves stuck. They can run into those feelings, identify them as grief, feel them and sink into despair and depression, again stopping their possible progress. Or they can encounter sadness, allow it, and view it as an opportunity to release some pain that they carry with them. By doing that they have the chance to let go of the negative energy of feelings that really don’t serve them, that may be keeping them stuck or limiting their personal or professional growth.

The next time you get stuck when clutter clearing, ask yourself, “Is this grief? Did I run into some feelings that were uncomfortable?” If so, take a deep breath and remember that you have a choice. You can run or you can allow the feelings. You can choose to immerse yourself in them and stop or feel them for a short while, recover and move on. Grief can stop you or be a real opportunity for healing, growth and forward progress.

Mart's Desk

I rewarded myself for weeks of hard work clearing out my mother’s house and getting it ready to sell with some time to do just what I wanted to do. My husband warned, “You’ll just work the whole time.” He knows me so well! I’m one of those people who gets a rush by getting things done. And, I enjoy my work and value keeping my life organized and staying on top of the many things I must do to maintain my home, maintain and grow my business, stay healthy, maintain good relationships, be productive, and help my mother. So, yes, I work a lot!

What did I do with my “free” time? Instead of plopping down in front of Dancing With the Stars or a good book, I set up a newly acquired writing desk that I had brought home when I cleared Mom’s house. It is a beautiful treasure that once belonged to Mart, my father’s mother. What began as an idea to move some supplies for writing notes to friends and family resulted in my clearing out and reorganizing two drawers in my office desk plus one supply drawer of pens and pencils. All it took was getting started on one drawer and my project blossomed. Why? Because all the items related to writing notes were in three locations. Once I got into each location to pull out items to put in Mart’s desk I realized that the whole drawer needed an overhaul.

Why am I telling you this? Because it’s the kind of thing that happens when you begin rearranging things in your space. Now, I could have pulled out what I wanted to put in Mart’s desk and left a jumble behind in all three places. Instead I seized the opportunity and the energy I felt to clear out and create a new order. All three drawers are now uncluttered and so much more functional. It will now be a breeze to locate items that I need within seconds. And, in the process I got rid of things that no longer serve my current needs. I’m not fighting with ugly greeting cards or struggling with an overwhelming quantity of seasonal cards I would have never used.

I also could have started that project and quit halfway through, because it did require making a lot of decisions. What kept me going? The knowledge that I was making space for new, good things to come to me. The belief that lightening my physical load would give me relief in my daily functioning. And, I knew I could create spaces that felt better than they did when I started. I kept telling myself, “Out with the dead stuff!”

Now my little writing desk is ready for use. I’ve already retrieved some rubber bands from it, and was glad to have had that supply close at hand. The order that greets me when I open my desk drawer gives me a sense of well-being. You too can achieve these benefits! Start with believing it is possible, and then make it happen–even if you have to get help to make it so. Many people have brains that cannot do what I did last night. It’s not a character flaw. It’s just a fact. Get help and get clear! You too can achieve a sense of well-being by clearing out and creating a new order.

Oh, and did I work all evening long? Well, not the whole evening. I did take a break to eat and watch Dancing With the Stars before I sorted my pens and pencils and checked them out to see what worked and what didn’t. . . .

When I greeted my client today and asked how she was doing she told me she was OK. . . . . In other words she wasn’t really OK. When I inquired further she told me she hadn’t had much to eat today, that she felt tired. We talked about how to proceed with our clutter clearing project, given how she was feeling. Once we’d agreed on our approach and focus we got to work.

This client is a busy inner-city elementary school principal. She is very capable and it’s not unusual that she presents at our sessions as tired and stressed. What was unusual was her admitting that she didn’t feel well. I kept that in mind as I worked with her. About 30 minutes before the end of our two hour session she complained about feeling hot and was not experiencing a hot flash. She decided that a snack might help her feel better, and rather than snack while we continued to work, she chose to take a break and eat a yogurt and drink some water in an adjoining conference room. It was VERY unusual for this client to stop working altogether because she is all about getting things done. Clearly something was not right!

For the next 10 minutes I worked independently to help move her along despite her need to stop. When I got to a point that I could not proceed without her input I joined her in the next room. There we talked about her symptoms and the possible causes of her discomfort: dehydration, a blood pressure drop, a reaction to food she had at lunch, and a blood sugar drop. When I informed her that you can become dehydrated after 15 minutes of concentrated work, she drank several additional bottles of water. The more water she drank, the more she perked up and she eventually felt much better.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because her behavior reminded me that self-care is an important part of successful clutter clearing. Following are several ways you can ensure that you arrive at that challenge as your best, most empowered self:

• Be well rested.
• Make sure you have good fuel for your brain–preferably some protein and fresh fruits or vegetables. Avoid simple carbohydrates like sugar and wheat-based products.
• Be well hydrated and plan to sip water while you work to avoid dehydration.

Your body and your brain are tools that need to be in the best possible shape to tackle the challenging process of decision-making involved in clutter clearing. If your body or your brain shut down, you must stop. Make attending to your physical self-care a priority any time you plan to clear clutter.

Mom and brother Mark overlooking the water view from Mom's house.

I’m gearing up to clear out my mother’s house. My mom is adjusting well to her new home in Gayton Terrace, an assisted living facility near me in Richmond, VA. Now it’s time to take the next step, clear out Mom’s home in Kilmarnock, VA and get it ready to sell. It will be a big job, but I’m so lucky that my mom and her husband had only been living there for about 13 years and both regularly got rid of things. They were neat nicks and great purgers. Compared to what many people face when their parents leave their homes, this job will be a breeze–on the physical level.

What has surprised me are the waves of sadness I’ve experienced since I made the decision that it’s time to begin the big clean out. It wasn’t my family home. Yes, I’d had many nice visits there with Mom and John, and this last year with just Mom since John’s death last January. It’s a lovely home on the water. But the sadness has more to do with dismantling the physical remains of two lives that had been intertwined for 27 years. Mom and John had a deep love that begin in high school and reignited in their late 50s. They loved their life together and they loved their home.

Mom and John carefully tended their home, kept it neat, clean and organized. On one level–the physical level– that will make my job easier, but no less difficult on another–the emotional level. How will I do it? I will work hard to remember that what I’m doing will benefit my mother who needs to close this chapter of her life to be fully present to her new life in Richmond. I’ll keep in mind that Mom will also benefit from the funds generated from the sale of her home. I will also remember that I will benefit because I currently carry all the responsibility for the safety of the home, a home that is a 90 minute drive from my home. I need to have this chapter closed to better be able to focus on Mom and her needs and to have greater peace of mind.

But, it’s still sad. I will allow the sadness and enjoy the memories that emerge while I work to respectfully close the door on this chapter of my mother’s life.

In 2012 I decided to prove that intentional clutter clearing changes lives. Intentional clutter clearing is clutter clearing with specific goals in mind. I offered three women who wanted positive change in their lives two hours of my clutter clearing services per month at no cost to them. All they had to do was make the time for us to work together. Dale is one of those women. As it turned out Dale and I only did hands-on clutter clearing for nine months of the year. We also did two months of coaching. What follows is her summary of the results of that experience.

It is in my experience that clearing clutter is not like a “Ka-Pow”! It is positive change that occurs slowly, when taking the time to make decisions about STUFF, stuff that accumulates, stuff that takes up valuable space, stuff that clutters the mind and makes it pause because of indecision.

My experience this year with clearing clutter with assistance and guidance from Debbie Bowie wasn’t always pleasant. It is unnerving at times to give away, throw away, make decisions about my stuff. Especially being an artist who gives “new life to discarded items,” I was always afraid that I would be able to “use that” sometime. This could include um-teen yogurt containers, scraps of fabric (ugly fabric), cardboard boxes, etc. BUT, the up side is: I feel as though I can think better! Or clearer. I don’t think I have ADHD, but, before all my clutter clearing efforts it sure felt like it at times; wandering through my space with intentions, only to be interrupted by other thoughts and things that had to be done. Clutter really doesn’t help that syndrome! I hadn’t developed a habit of putting things away after I had used them.

I enter my uncluttered house now. It is not spotless, but I have gotten rid of things that I hated, like the 10 year old wool rug that every pet of mine had some kind of internal express onto. HATED IT, yet I didn’t feel as though I had the means to replace it. I still don’t have a rug (I have been looking), but I don’t hate the beautiful wooden floor. As a matter of fact, I am quite fond of it. I hated my cheap white dinnerware, but again I didn’t think that I had the inclination or the means to buy something different. I gave it away, and within the same week a friend who was moving gifted me with a pretty set of white dinnerware that I liked.

Because of my clutter clearing, I have gotten more “mindful.” I take care in the placement of things, aesthetically. You would think being an artist that aesthetics would always be priority, but my priority was sometimes just finding a spot to put something without recognizing the perfect visual spot. Placing things has become an art that I enjoy.
How my life has changed. It’s always difficult to recognize a slow change, but I feel calmer. Even in the midst of chaos, my stress level is definitely lower. I am enjoying my own company. I felt “on the go” a lot before making a commitment to clutter clearing. Now, I can sit quietly in my space and feel comfortable. My creativity is in transition. I have been rather void of creativity for the past year. Although slow in coming, it is coming back!

I find I I don’t want to be stretched so thin. I want to make more time for making things…is it art? I am doing more cultural things (previously stressed about doing because of money). I am more genuine with my relationships, making time for those I really care about, editing relationships that don’t feed me. I have developed a habit of putting things away, picking up as I go, and I always have a Goodwill pile at the front door. It thrills me to make things tidy and pleasing to look at. I had the courage to replace my kitchen faucet, and in the process cleaned out under the sink!

I think a short conclusion could be that I am aware…aware of most everything I do, hear, see, taste. It’s an exquisite way to reap pleasure from every day living.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting with my usual regularity. Once again I have been hijacked by family challenges. I recently had to move my mother from out of town to an assisted living facility closer to me, which in itself was a major feat given my mother’s resistance, her dementia and some interference from another well-meaning family member. Then, there has been a time of adjustment for Mom which has required a lot of support from me and much time spent to make sure she has the best life possible in her new home.

At times like this, when emotions are running high and energy is running low, I have had to pare back what I do to the bare minimum so I can survive the current storm. And, family comes first.

Unfortunately at stressful times like this I find it very difficult to write. Writing takes a kind of reflection and focus that are just not possible when I’m doing all I can to stay afloat with my personal life and my business. So, please accept my apologies for being absent for extended periods of time during the last few months. I am sure that once I reach a new equilibrium I will be back with many new insights to share. I look forward to writing some articles about what I’ve learned from my recent experience helping my mother transition to assisted living.

Rugs that slide around are irritants! And, they are safety hazards. However, until recently most of my scatter rugs slid all over the place. In the busyness of life I kept procrastinating doing anything about that problem. That all changed when Mom was getting rid of a non-skid rug pad. It was free and it was in my hands. That reduced two blocks to solving my rug slipping problem–no cost and no hassle finding the right type of pad.

As I often do when I make a change to my space, I thought about the feng shui implications of my actions. Rugs that slide around are sources of negative energy because they are often askew and look messy. My dogs tearing through the house keep my rugs at odd angles despite my repeated efforts to straighten them. Even more significant is that rugs that move convey the energy of shifting sands, impermanence, and instability. Having that energy in my home attracts more of the same into my life. It also makes it hard to feel secure, safe, and grounded. And, of course, they are a safety hazard because rugs in motion can slide out from under you, resulting in painful falls and possible injuries.

As I put the rug pads under the rugs I immediately experienced a feeling of well-being, like something that was very wrong had been righted. It seemed like a miracle that the rugs no long moved–even with dogs darting around. A part of me that had been on high alert calmed down. With that source of irritation gone I was no longer distracted by the negative energy of scattered rugs. I hadn’t even been consciously aware of the energy cost of that distraction until I eliminated it.  What a pleasure it was to feel more relaxed and able to settle down to work in my office.

As it turned out, the week following the rug anchoring was particularly difficult for me. There was a major family drama and my beloved Macbook died. As a small business owner who uses her computer daily for writing, slide programs and communication with clients, having my computer crash was like having a rug pulled out from under me. I am happy to say that I was able to navigate the rough waters of family conflict and purchasing and restoring files on my new computer (a completely new experience) with minimal challenge. And, when I needed a little extra help, I was able to find it. I am sure having my rugs well anchored provided me with energetic support and positive energy to face two major challenges.

Anchor your moving rugs and reap the benefits of greater safety, a greater sense of security, peace of mind, and an increased ability to navigate whatever challenges come your way.

You may have noticed that I’ve been missing from action the past few weeks. I have been caught up in the challenging and complicated process of helping my mother transition from independent living to assisted living. I’m back now, and want to share some of what I’ve learned from that process.

This past month was a very difficult time because of a decline in my mother’s cognitive and physical functioning. It became clear to me that Mom was no longer safe living alone. It was time to help Mom transition to assisted living. I knew this time would come, but I dreaded it because I knew my mother would resist that option with all her might. To make things really challenging, Mom has dementia that made it difficult for her to be aware of the full extent of her decline and unable to remember the various incidences, like falls and running into her garage door with her car, that indicate that she needed more help.

Last week Mom moved to an assisted living facility for a 30 day trial that I hope will extend to the rest of her life. Getting to this point in a loving way has been as complicated a challenge as anything I have ever done. But, the difficult times always provide numerous opportunities for learning, healing and growth. Here are some of the things I’ve learned. I share these with you in hopes that they will be of benefit to you if you need them at some point on your journey, or that you will pass them on to others who might benefit from them.

Focus on the benefits of the change instead of the reasons why the change must happen.

Because of dementia and pride in her independence, Mom was unable to self-assess and reach a conclusion that she needed more help. Pointing out aspects of her decline only made her more defensive and determined to convince me she was still in good shape. When I shifted to telling her what she could enjoy in the new setting, like having much more time with me, being able to try many different restaurants, having adventures like going to the Pet Expo, and visiting with old friends, her defensiveness dropped and she began to imagine the possibility of a new life that might have more access to people and activities that matter to her.

Focus on what you love about the person and keeping her safe instead of on changing the behaviors that scare you, bother you, or want to make you run away.

Mom repeated how much she loved where she lived and that she didn’t want to leave. She stubbornly resisted using a cane. She kept forgetting why she could no longer drive a car. She put plastic dishes in the oven even after being told it isn’t safe. Initially I felt annoyed and scared by those behaviors, but fussing at her only put me at odds with her and didn’t change her behavior. So, I reminded myself that the behaviors were happening because of the effects of the dementia and her fear of change. Each time I responded to her I reminded myself to come from a loving place and remember that I cannot change her behavior. I then looked for what I could do that would be helpful in the moment. When Mom said she didn’t want to leave her home, I agreed that leaving her beautiful home with it’s privacy and beautiful water view would be difficult, that change is hard, but that change can bring other new, wonderful opportunities into her life. When she forgot why she couldn’t drive, I described the five incidents that led to her decision to give her keys to me. When it was clear that she couldn’t remember how to use the microwave and couldn’t remember not to use the oven for plastic dishes, against her objections I arranged for a Visiting Angel to come in the evening to heat up her dinner.

Focus on the facts, not the feelings.

I felt scared that Mom could fall, break a hip, and end up in a nursing home–her worst nightmare. I felt angry that she stubbornly asserted that she was OK when clearly she was not. I felt sad that I was losing her to dementia, and mad that I was having to deal with such a sad, difficult situation with someone I love so much. But, I quickly learned that when I communicated with Mom from the vulnerable place of my feelings, out of fear or anger, I was met with debate, resistance, and her feelings of outrage and anger. When I began calmly stating facts about her car accidents, about the changes in her mobility like balance problems and difficulty getting in and out of her car, facts that could not be disputed, not only was I able to better manage my myriad of feelings, but Mom had nothing to push back against. Feelings can be questioned, blown off, and misinterpreted. Facts are facts.

Keep moving forward even if you don’t know where you’ll end up or how you’ll get there.

I knew Mom would find assisted living facilities unappealing, but I took her to see two of them. During the visits she kept asserting that she was going to continue to live in her home. But in the process I learned that she did like one of the people who gave us a tour. That was a positive anchor in this difficult situation. In further communication with him I learned that there was an apartment located on the ground floor near the dining room and mailboxes, a location that would make it easy for Mom to find her way to those important places. It seemed like the perfect place for Mom who can become very disoriented when in unfamiliar environments.

I also spoke to my dad, my mother’s ex-husband of over 30 years, and shared my concerns and ideas about how to help Mom. He offered to speak with her if I thought it would help. Since they have stayed friendly over the years, and he’s a doctor whose opinion she might respect more than mine, I took him up on his offer. At age 84 he drove eleven hours to meet with Mom. During his visit with Mom he came up with the idea of doing a one month trial in an assisted living facility to see if it’s something she might enjoy. He also suggested leaving her home as is in case she decides that she doesn’t like the change. His option of a trial stay instead of a permanent move was what it took to shift Mom from refusing ti move into an assisted living facility to being willing to give it a try. When I asked for Dad’s help, I had no idea that he would come up with the idea that would break through Mom’s wall of resistance.

I gave up thinking I had to know and see the whole path to Mom’s journey to a safer place, and instead read the signals each step of the way, making the best decisions I could from a loving place. Movement in a positive direction begat more movement.

You may be thinking, “What does this have to do with clutter clearing?”

• If you focus on the benefits of clutter clearing instead of the enormity of the project or how ashamed you are that things have gotten so out of control, you’ll find you are motivated to tackle your clutter challenge instead of feeling overwhelmed by the challenge.
• If you focus on your strengths and what you love about your gifts and abilities, you’ll boost your confidence and seek solutions instead of focusing on aspects of the project that seem impossible to address.
• If you focus on facts like, “Is this in good condition?” or “Do I love this or use this?” instead of feelings of annoyance because your family has contributed to your clutter problems, or sadness, embarrassment and shame about once again finding yourself having to dig out from under your clutter, you’ll be able to keep moving instead of shutting down.
• If you make yourself keep moving when you run into an emotional or decision-making roadblock by shifting focus to an easier task or asking for help, you’ll get the clutter clearing done.

Helping aging parents transition to a safer way of living and clutter clearing are both processes. Each has its challenges and opportunities. I hope you’ll find the principles I’ve shared to be helpful guidelines on your journey.

Yesterday I reorganized my bookshelves. It was a Saturday morning following two days spent with my mom who has dementia. So what does reorganizing books have to do with dementia? Mom’s condition and needing to make arrangements for assisted living for her despite objections from her and another family member had left me feeling powerless, exhausted, frustrated, angry and sad. Long ago I learned that when I am stressed by uncomfortable feelings, I can calm myself by organizing my space and purging unwanted and unnecessary items.

My husband had gifted me a Kindle for Christmas–which means I don’t have to have so many books in physical form. And, I had been staring at a congested bookshelf from my TV watching chair in the family room. Add in the angst of family struggles, and I was all fired up to clear out books I’d had on those shelves forever without cracking them open. I couldn’t control how other family members think and act, but I could make decisions about those books and create a new order.

I first got real about the novels I intend to read. When I read for pleasure I want to read stories set in places I love. I also prefer to read stories about the personal relationships, not death, war, murder or intrigue. So, I let go all books whose stories were set in parts of the world that don’t interest me, and tossed books that had violent story lines.

Next I set aside books for my husband to check out. He has had a Kindle for over a year and rarely reads a paperback or hardback book. Removing all those books made room for me to be able to rearrange the remaining books.

I ended up with a small collection of novels I feel sure I’ll read. And, there was a small shelf of spiritual/inspirational books that still speak to me. I also kept all the books I know that matter to Bob; professional books, books from childhood, reference books on home repair, and a few odd books on various topics. What gave me great pleasure was to be able to group all my gardening books front and center. When I was done there was a pile of books for Bob to review, two bags of books by the door to go to Goodwill, and a few books to go back to my office.

When I took the books back to my office I found I was motivated to go through all the books in that room as well. Only weeks before I had lamented that I had no room for more books there because I couldn’t bear to part with any of the books on the shelves. But, newly motivated by my success in the family room, I reviewed all the books collected there. To my surprise I found that there were books that could be purged. Others could be moved to the family room shelves. Again I was left with space. And, I was motivated to reorganize the books according to my current priorities.

My bookshelf clearing adventure reminded me once again that all it takes to get me psyched about completing a clutter clearing job is to move the first few items. I immediately felt pleasure once books started moving off the shelves. When they were just sitting there collecting dust, they seemed like an immovable wall. Very quickly I was able to see space and get clarity by clumping books of like type–novels, spiritual books, books on feng shui, etc. And, when I was done clearing and reorganizing the bookshelves in both rooms I felt so much calmer and grounded.

When Bob later went through his books a few were kept and three more bags of books were taken to the front door and then out to my car for donation. I felt so much lighter, and somehow richer. The books that remained on the shelves felt like gold to me, the best of the best. Now when I need a book I’ll be able to go right to it. And, the view from my TV watching chair is really nice!

P.S. It was so much easier to tackle the job of writing several difficult emails regarding my mom and her care once the bookshelves were clear and reorganized!